Helping Young Children Learn Self-Regulation in a Digital World: Tips for Parents of Children Ages 0-5

In simple terms, self-regulation is how people learn to manage emotions, attention, and behavior.  Self-regulation skills are not fixed from birth and develop slowly over time, starting in infancy. Experts agree self-regulation has two important components:

• • Executive function: which involves self-control, focus and attention, task switching, and working memory
  • Recognizing and managing emotions: which involves knowing how you feel, what triggered it, when and how to show it, and intentionally trying to shift it when needed

Self-regulation skills are a foundational set of skills that allow a child to have self-control and moderate emotional responses, including calming oneself down or stopping before reacting. Developing these skills matter well beyond the early years, and can help protect children from instability and challenges in a child’s life, notes Megan McClelland, PhD, Katherine E. Smith Healthy Children and Families Professor, Oregon State University. 

Research shows that strong self-regulation skills in childhood are associated with a number of positive outcomes – one study found that the strongest predictive factor of a young adult finishing college by age 25 was having skills to pay attention and persist on difficult tasks at age four, notes McClelland. These early self-regulation skills are also linked to better physical and mental health, stronger relationships, and better wages and employment later in life.

Self-regulation in children under 5 years of age includes managing emotional and behavioral responses and impulses, such as:

• • Listening and following directions when needed
  • Ignoring distractions
  • Staying focused on a task
  • Negotiating within social situations
  • Cooperating with others
  • Remembering/following through with instructions
  • Showing empathy and kindness towards others
  • Managing impulses 

(McClelland)

These skills develop gradually over time. Early on, children rely on interactions with their parents and other caregivers to help them make sense of their emotions (“external regulation”) before being able to self-regulate on their own, says Peter Reschke, PhD, Associate Professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.

“Media emotion regulation” is using media or a device as a method of external regulation to help a child calm down or avoid emotional escalation in moments of distress, when they are upset, overwhelmed, or having a tantrum. In practice, it might look like handing an upset child a phone at the store, giving them a tablet in the car or on the bus to settle them down, or putting on a screen at a restaurant to prevent a meltdown before it starts, says Reschke.

Screen use in early childhood can directly impact emotional and behavioral control, and parents often see real-time behavioral challenges that are linked to screen use, says clinical psychologist Gabrielle Izralson, PsyD, BCBA. 

Among young children, those who use more screens tend to score lower on executive function and self-regulation tasks, and timing appears to matter as much as amount, Reschke says. A child’s screen use at age two predicts their self-regulation at age three more strongly than their screen use at age three does, he notes.

Toddlers and preschoolers often show puzzling, dramatic behavior, yet it’s a typical part of how they learn and communicate, says Jenny Radesky, MD, a developmental behavioral pediatrician at the University of Michigan Medical School. Each day is full of “tiny dramas”, or small frustrations and emotional ups and downs that not only give parents an important window into how a child’s mind works, but are also learning opportunities for the child on how to cope with handling them, she says. 

Learning to tolerate a child’s big feelings, whether negative or positive, and joining with them to regulate is “one of the essential jobs of a parent in early childhood,” says Joan L. Luby, MD, Samuel and Mae S. Ludwig Professor of Child Psychiatry at Washington University School of Medicine. Sometimes that means letting a child cry for a while and stepping in to soothe them as it subsides, she notes.

Recent research from Radesky and colleagues indicates that using media to regulate emotions in the short term may feed a child’s likelihood of displaying more emotional and behavioral reactivity longer term, and vice versa, creating a loop of media use and behavioral issues. Their recent study followed three- to five-year-olds over six months and found that preschoolers who were more emotionally reactive were given more media to calm down. Yet over time, the more media the children were given, the worse their displays of emotional reactivity became.

Very young children aren’t good at handling big, overwhelming feelings on their own yet, and need the help of parents to develop these skills. The ability to self-regulate depends on repeated practice with a parent or caregiver across those early years, says Reschke. Parents and caregivers can help the child calm down, understand what they’re feeling, and begin to work through it, whether that is through labelling the emotion, offering comfort, or simply staying present as the feeling passes, he says. This back-and-forth, where parent and child manage the child’s emotions together, is what researchers call “co-regulation.”

Through many repeated experiences of co-regulation, young children gradually build the skills to regulate on their own, Reschke explains. The important thing is that emotion regulation isn’t learned by being told what to do “like in a lecture or a classroom setting,” but by living through emotional experiences and figuring out what helps, whether alone or with a parent’s guidance, he says.

Screens calm children quickly because they are powerful at capturing attention, explains Reschke. When a child is upset, their attention sits on whatever caused the feeling, and a screen immediately pulls it away and onto something highly attention-grabbing instead, he says. When a parent consistently uses a device to calm a child, they reduce how much practice that child gets at learning how to handle and regulate their own emotions, he says. Soothing a child with a device may quiet the emotional discomfort, but it doesn’t teach them how to handle that emotion or understand why they feel upset.

When children miss these opportunities to build these skills, it also costs the child the chance to learn patience, boredom tolerance, and how to wait, says Luby. With this in mind, try hard not to use a screen as the primary solution to keep a young child regulated, advises Luby. It will be harder in the short run, but it pays off in spades over time, notes Radesky.

If using a screen to help regulate a child, start building this practice by pairing the screen use with effective, positive parenting strategies such as co-viewing content and co-regulation, and then ease off the device when the time is right, he suggests. For example, if the default has been to give the child a device and walk away, he suggests starting instead by staying with the child, watching together, and talking about the emotions displayed and how they might relate to emotions the child is feeling. From there, a parent can gradually wean the child off the device as the default, so that parental presence becomes the thing they rely on – helping them move through feelings, label them, understand them, and learn coping strategies, he says.

While screens are often effective at calming children in the moment, using them as a default “fix”for every difficult situation has long-term consequences, experts agree. Perfection in parenting is elusive, unrealistic, and stressful to pursue. Using a screen here and there in certain difficult moments is probably fine – the problem is when the screen becomes the default strategy for calming that replaces parent-child interactions where self-regulation skills get built, says Izralson. 

Recent findings from a study by Reschke and colleagues following hundreds of families indicate that it is these repetitive patterns of using media for emotion regulation that seem to have the most impact on children. This study found that children whose parents relied more on media to soothe them at age two were more likely to show problematic media use five years later at age seven.

Parents who report more personal anxiety are more likely to reach for screens to regulate their child’s emotions, which may relieve their anxiety momentarily but won’t help their child learn to self-regulate – which can itself lead to more parental anxiety, says Reschke. 

While a tablet may feel like the easy answer in any hard moment, the “easy button fix” has an unintended side effect: parents stop feeling as effective at handling their child’s distress, says Radesky. “If you always see the phone or the tablet as that solution, you don’t see the solution inside you as a parent,” she says.

What helps children develop self-regulation at home is a warm and secure relationship with caregivers, says McClelland. When children feel safe and secure, they are better able develop their own independence and autonomy, and they’re more likely to follow instructions, she explains. That security can look like letting a child know you’re a safe person for them to ride out a difficult emotion with, and that you’ll help them feel safe and get back to exploring on their own, says Reschke.

Part of keeping your relationship a safe space is repairing missteps, says Izralson. If you lose your temper, model your own regulation: “I got loud. I’m sorry. Let’s try that again,” she suggests.

Providing your child with interactively stimulating environments can also help. This can include reading with your kids, talking with them, and giving them lots of different opportunities to learn, says McClelland.

Long stretches of screen time for young children is not advisable for young children, say many experts. Screen time amounts of 20 to 40 minutes are a more appropriate window for young children, says Izralson. The right length of time also depends on the individual child –  let your knowledge of how your individual child tends to respond to screens guide how long a session runs, she suggests.

Session length matters because of what happens in the brain during screen use. Highly stimulating content spikes dopamine, and in as little as 30 minutes those levels can crash, explains Izralson. This is when everyday activities start to feel boring, frustration increases, and transitioning away from the screen gets much harder – ending a session before that point can prevent a meltdown, she says.

Consistent, clearly-communicated boundaries around screen time reduce power struggles and give children the security that comes from knowing what to expect, say many experts.

It is important to follow through on whatever family rules have been set, because a child who can break the rule by crying, pestering, or wearing you down quickly learns it isn’t serious, explains Izralson. Consistency beats perfection to anything you’re parenting around, she notes.

When setting screen time routines:

• • Explain clearly what’s coming and in what order, in advance, so a child knows where screen time falls in the day and when it ends
  • Make a visual schedule with your child and keep it somewhere visible, like the refrigerator
  • Use a “before rule,” where screens come only after homework, outdoor time, and eating, never as the first activity of the day
  • Keep bedrooms screen-free to create “screen free zones”
  • Protect one daily ritual without screens, like dinner, that fits your family’s life

(Izralson)

Screen time transitions and endings are a particularly tricky moment between parents and children. Taking a screen away without warning only makes a meltdown worse, say many experts. Give a heads-up before transitions, such as “five more minutes and then it’s time to turn off the tablet,” suggests Izralson. 

When stopping media time, choose meaningful ending points to make these transitions more successful, says Heather Kirkorian, PhD, Laura M. Secord Chair in Early Childhood Development School of Human Ecology University of Wisconsin-Madison. Meaningful ending points include the end of an episode or once an achievement is reached in an app or digital game, she notes. “Having that meaningful transition point is more likely to result in a smooth transition than just cutting things off at a certain time point.

Your own behavior at this time is also important – giving in to a behavioral outburst to extend time teaches a child that a big enough tantrum works, she says. Parent yelling, shaming, or threatening if a child acts out at this moment escalates the child’s dysregulation, and removing screen use privileges as an in-the-moment punishment tends to backfire into a power struggle. Wait until a child is calmer to negotiate, explain, and talk through what happened, says Izralson.

Using solo screen time as a reward and conditioning young children to think of it as such should be avoided, says Reschke. Instead, aim to make screen time a co-viewing time with you and the child, he suggests.

Parents can plan ahead and slowly work in other interactive activities as rewards in place of solo screen time, suggests Andy Ribner, PhD, Assistant Professor of Psychology at Chatham University and Research Associate at the University of Pittsburgh. This could look like starting with co-viewing, then moving to playing a game together, or drawing, he suggests. Interactive activities are more likely to provide opportunities for child self-regulation skill-building.

Research shows that the presence of “background television” shows a fairly consistent negative association with self-regulation, says Ribner. Exposure to background and entertainment TV appears to affect school readiness by way of their effect on self-regulation, and research indicates that background TV also seems to negatively impact language and literacy skills. Be intentional and make screens the main activity when they’re on, rather than a constant hum in the background, he suggests.

The content young children watch also makes a difference to how they build self-regulation skills. Content more likely to support socioemotional growth tends to be:

• • From trusted nonprofits like PBS Kids or Sesame Street with a basis in child development expertise 
  • Relatively slow-paced 
  • Less fantastical / do not break the emerging concept of the world around them
  • Built around a story, with the learning woven into the narrative 
  • Designed for socioemotional skill building 
  • Contains a clear sign-off or goodbye at the end of the episode

(Radesky, Ribner, Rebecca Dore, PhD ,Georgene Troseth, PhD)

Content associated with emotion dysregulation tends to be: 

• • Fast-paced and algorithmic, like endless shorts and reels
  • Violent or aggressive 

(Izralson, Luby)

For more comprehensive information on selecting quality content for children ages 0-5, see the chapter in The Children and Screens Guide for Early Childhood Development and Media Use: Infants and Children Ages 0-5. 

Be intentional when deciding how and when to allow your child to use screens, and focus on the function of the screen time, suggests Reschke.

Often, what drives the decision to put a screen in front of a young child is parent overwhelm, the very real “I don’t have another set of hands” moment when you just need your child to sit still and do something calm, says Radesky. There are times when this function is needed, but if you realize that this type of use is repetitively keeping the child from learning how to move through emotions, it could be time for a reset, suggests Reschke. 

Some parents may think that early exposure to tech serves an important function to help their children build skills for a digital world. Most experts caution against this approach. “Your child doesn’t need a tablet” and won’t be left behind without one, says Radesky. Swiping and downloading aren’t real tech skills a child needs to get a head start on and are easily picked up later in life.

Certain behaviors can signal that a screen is dysregulating your child, says Izralson. During screen use, watch for a glazed look, irritability when interrupted, or a child so locked in that they ignore hunger or toileting cues. 

The transition off the screen is especially telling: explosive tantrums, negotiating for more time, prolonged crying, agitation, physical aggression, or an inability to shift attention, she notes. Afterward, a child may struggle to settle into play, seem hyperactive or emotionally volatile, and keep pushing for more screen time. All of these point to the dysregulation that can come with screen use and media content, she says.

One small change you can try today is to pick a moment when your child is upset and, if your instinct is to reach for a phone, put it away instead, says Reschke. Alternatives you can try:

• • Get down on the child’s level, use a calm tone, and stay physically and emotionally there while they ride out the emotion
  • Tolerate the intense emotion rather than shutting it down, and offer strategies to calm down 
  • Once they’ve calmed, help them make sense of it. For an older toddler, put words to the feeling, like “you felt frustrated because you dropped your ice cream,” and connect the emotion to its cause 
  • As they get older, involve them, asking questions like “what can we do next time this happens?” 

(Reschke, Luby)

Over time, these repeated experiences are what build a child’s own emotion regulation skills, and it doesn’t need to be perfect, says Reschke.

Children learn often by watching, which is why having regulated role models matters, says McClelland. The most important thing when coping with a difficult emotional situation with a young child is to regulate yourself first, because your nervous system is what helps regulate theirs, notes Izralson. 

A dysregulated parent models dysregulation, which leaves the child less able to reach for any calming strategies of their own. Take a breath, lower your voice, slow your pace, and model the calm you want them to find, she suggests. This can look as simple as offering a hug and naming what the child is feeling, with something like, “I’m here for you. Let’s try and calm down,” suggests Radesky.

A lot of kids just want to feel seen, heard, and respected, the same as grownups do, says Izralson. Validating the feeling in the moment can be as simple as naming it while still holding the limit on media time, with something like: “I know you love this show. And I know it’s hard to stop watching this. I would have a hard time too, but it’s time to put it away. The timer went off,” she suggests.

Limit your language and number of words used when a young child is upset, says Izralson. Bombarding them with words and directives in that moment works against the goal, which is simply helping them calm down. 

Once your child is calm is when you can say more. Try using “when/then” language, which sets a condition without opening a negotiation, as in: “When your body is calm, then we can talk about more screen time tomorrow,” she suggests.

Movement often regulates the nervous system faster than words do, especially for children who are sensory seeking or tend toward hyperactivity, says Izralson. She suggests transitioning into dance, offering a deep squeeze, or heading outside for basketball, a nature walk, or a scavenger hunt. Getting outdoors has the added benefit of boosting a child’s dopamine naturally, she notes.

Parental guilt about children’s media use is common, and research shows a little of it can be useful by motivating change, says Lara Wolfers, PhD, Assistant Professor, Head of the Center of Digital Lives at the University of Basel, Switzerland. However a feeling of constant guilt, isn’t helpful and contributes to more stress, she says.

Give yourself grace and start small. One small change in your family routines around media use and coping with big emotions can make a big difference, says Izralson. Try something this week or this month, stick with it if it works, tweak it if it doesn’t, and build from there. Parents have more knowledge and more strength than they realize –  trust yourself and trust your child, and believe that they have, or will develop, the skills to move from co-regulation to self-regulation when given the opportunities, she suggests.

Children with ADHD and autism carry a naturally higher vulnerability to dysregulation, which means they’re often both more drawn to screens and more affected by them, though for different reasons, says Izralson. For a child with ADHD, screens deliver the dopamine hit the ADHD brain is already seeking, as ADHD brains are wired with lower dopamine levels to begin with. This intensified “dopamine loop” can fuel dysregulation that looks like defiance or noncompliance. The goal is to build stronger self-regulation through co-regulation strategies, she says. 

For children with autism, screens may be preferred for their predictability and control, and special interest content can actually be regulating, notes Izralson. However, certain kinds of content can still bring sensory overload that surfaces once the screen goes off, and can make transitioning away from a preferred activity more difficult, she says.