Child Loneliness in the Digital Age: Tips for Parents

The jury is in – robust evidence shows that social connection is vital to human health, well-being, safety, and even prosperity, says Julianne Holt-Lunstad, PhD, Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience, Director of the Social Connections Lab, Brigham Young University. “There’s wide scientific consensus now that social connection is a fundamental human need linked to survival.”

Loneliness can be thought of as a biological signal related to this fundamental need, similar to hunger and thirst, says Holt-Lunstad. “It’s something that’s normal and adaptive, but it’s an uncomfortable feeling that motivates us to meet the biological need of social connection,” notes Holt-Lunstad.

A survey of teens ages 14-17 found that 21% said they were lonely or feeling lonely frequently, always, or almost all of the time in the past 30 days, says Milena Batanova, MA, PhD, Director of Research and Evaluation at Making Caring Common, a project of the Harvard Graduate School of Education.

The increase of time spent online by children and teens is fueling a growing concern about the implications of this time on social development in youth, says Holt-Lunstad. “We are seeing shifts in norms of how socializing is valued,” she says, noting the popularization of the idea of a “social battery” that is drained by socializing.  “We’re seeing images and memes and other forms of cultural discourse that are devaluing time spent together with friends. Isolation is being normalized.”

These changing social norms may be devaluing in-person social interactions among youth, and may be eroding their ability to form important social relationships. Google searches for how to make friends are at an historic all-time high, notes Holt-Lunstad.

Feelings of loneliness and other accompanying emotional responses are just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the effects on child well-being, says Holt-Lunstad. “We have evidence that this can have profound effects on risks for a variety of mental and physical health outcomes, including heart disease, stroke, dementia, type two diabetes, and even premature death. Research suggests that people with robust social networks often have better overall health. They can recover more quickly from illness and experience fewer chronic conditions, and even enjoy longer life.”  Other lasting negative effects can include issues with trust, self-worth, and even forming relationships later in life.

Loneliness can affect the body in ways similar to stress, says Khadijah B. Watkins, MD, MPH, DFAACAP, Director, Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Residency Training, Massachusetts General Hospital and Associate Director, The Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds, Harvard Medical School. “Just like when we are under a lot of stress for a long period of time, loneliness can really impact our bodies physically.” This includes raised levels of the “stress hormone” cortisol and sleep disruption, she notes. These effects can also increase risk for unhealthy lifestyle habits and substance misuse.

Not all social connections provide positive experiences needed for social thriving. Evidence points to three key elements needed for social connection, says Holt-Lunstad. These are:

• • Structure – the extent to which people are in our lives
  • Function – the extent to which we can rely on those people to fulfill various needs and goals
  • Quality – the extent to which connections bring positivity and support as opposed to conflict and strain

When any one of these is missing, there may be potential risk to social thriving, shares Holt-Lunstad. When all of these aspects are strong, humans are more likely to experience lower stress levels and a greater sense of security and belonging.

For both children and adolescents, the most important sign of loneliness is a “change from baseline,” a deviation from their normal patterns of behavior, says Watkins.

For younger children this may look like: 

• • Creating imaginary friends to make place for the real friends
  • Signs of developmental regression
  • Clinginess
  • Irritability
  • Crying more
  • Being more shy and withdrawn than normal for them

For adolescents, it can be a bit more difficult due their natural increased independence, but some signs that an adolescent may be experiencing a concerning level of loneliness can include:

• • Retreating to their room for long periods of time (While it’s normal for adolescents to be in their room alone, it becomes a concern when it deviates from what is normal for them, such as skipping typical family activities and necessities like dinner or long-standing household routines.)
  • Withdrawing from in-person interactions and replacing them with online time/interactions
  • Talking to you (caregiver) more than normal
  • No longer hanging out with friends
  • Not having friends outside of school

(Watkins, Batanova)

Having regular conversations with your child starting at early ages about friendships and loneliness – and making these conversations a part of everyday interaction – is extremely important to normalizing communication and reducing stigma about feeling lonely, says Watkins. “It’s so important that we’re having conversations….When something big does happen, it doesn’t feel as awkward as it could be, or as it may be if we hadn’t already been having these conversations.”

If a child is demonstrating signs of loneliness, “you need conversation to understand what’s going on,” says Batanova. “Talk about their experiences – but also notice interactions and experiences. Are they withdrawing from those in-person interactions and simply replacing them with online [ones]?”

Want a teen to talk to you? Hold the criticism and judgement, say many experts. “I cannot emphasize enough that it has to be a non-judgmental zone. The best and quickest way to shut down a conversation–to shut a kid down for talking to you, and ensure that they probably won’t come to you with anything else–is to come across as judgmental or overly critical,” says Watkins.

A judgmental attitude can be conveyed in ways beyond language, cautions Watkins. “You have to be mindful of not just what you say, but the words that you choose, the tone, the volume, and your nonverbal body language and cues.”  Show your receptivity to what they have to say by really listening, giving undivided attention, validating, and providing guidance when appropriate, she suggests.

Adolescents often shut down when pulled aside for an “official” conversation about an important topic. Watkins recommends keeping the conversation light and using “little moments” where you can casually bring up these topics, such as on a car ride, during a TV commercial break, or when you’re out for a walk.  “Keep it light and follow their lead,” she suggests.

There is evidence to suggest that people are more likely to use social media when they are not feeling well psychologically or emotionally, including when they feel lonely, says Jeffrey Hall, PhD, Professor of Communication Studies at University of Kansas.

An Australian study conducted over the course of a year found that kids turned to social media when they had friendship conflicts and friendship quality had decreased, says Hall. “It seemed to be more the case that the increases of social media use were related to the fact that they were struggling in their relationships with one another…[but] turning to social media to cope with chronic loneliness is a poor coping strategy.”

Data shows that the way in which social media is used can impact one’s experiences and feelings of loneliness, says Meredith David, PhD, Associate Professor of Marketing at Baylor University’s Hankamer School of Business. Specifically, David reports on research from a nine-year longitudinal study that suggests “passive” use of social media, such as just scrolling a social media feed, has more negative implications for loneliness and well-being than “active” uses of social media.

More “active” uses of social media, which would include posting, commenting, sharing, liking posts, and messaging friends, are less harmful to one’s well-being and overall sense of social connection, says David.

Certain platforms and algorithmic-designs seem to encourage more addictive, passive use than others, says David. “The majority of social media use is passive, which means that ease of use of the platform is crucial. TikTok is easier to use than many other platforms. As soon as users open TikTok, they’re presented with personally-relevant short-form video content that captures their attention and encourages sustained attention as users effortlessly swipe through a continuous stream of personalized short-form videos. TikTok’s algorithm does a great job at showing individuals not only videos that are relevant to them but also videos that are exciting to them.”

While all short-form video platforms encourage heavy use, David’s research indicates even relative to similar platforms, “TikTok is the worst,” she says. “According to TikTok’s own internal documents that were revealed in a multi-state lawsuit, TikTok reported that it takes just 260 videos, which could be as quick as 35 minutes, to form a habit on the app…Many short-form video platforms are designed to be addictive and to get people to spend more and more time on them.” 

Research shows that users of TikTok and other short-form video apps are also more likely to experience “time distortion,” says David. “When we measure objectively how much time people have spent on the app, and compare that to how much time people think they have spent on the app, we find that people very highly underestimate the amount of time that they’ve spent. This time distortion lures users into spending more time on the platforms, but the opportunity cost is huge. The more time we spend scrolling, the less time we have for more meaningful activities that build real connection.”

Beyond social media use, other uses of media can be more or less socially beneficial – and should be evaluated as such, suggest many experts. For example, research indicates that video chat is as good or almost as good as face-to-face communication when it comes to the possibility of connection, says Hall. 

Communicating directly through social media DMs (Direct Messages) is also an example of an online social interaction that can be beneficial, though Batanova notes that parents should help their children strike a balance with offline time if these online interactions are replacing meaningful in-person relationships that are necessary for human social thriving.

FOMO (aka “fear of missing out”) is a well-documented phenomenon among social media users and is related to loneliness in a “negative cyclical effect,” says David. Ironically, people use social media to mitigate their FOMO but yet they often end up with higher FOMO after being exposed to a variety of social opportunities where they may not have been included.

Children and adolescents may also experience FOMO when they aren’t allowed access to social media if their peers are. If your child is feeling FOMO or loneliness from being left out, it’s important to have a conversation to try to understand how and why they are feeling this way, says Watkins. Ask “What about not having [social media] makes you feel left out?” After explaining your concerns, see if there is room for compromise, she suggests, such as possibly allowing one platform and not another, or figuring out other time limits or ground rules that you can agree on together with your child.

Striving to be more connected to friends does not mean having to be available online 24/7 – something which adolescents may need help from parents and caregivers to enforce. Today’s youth are under significant pressure from friends to be constantly online for reactions and validation, whether that be maintaining a Snapchat streak or reacting to the latest fun meme, cautions Hall. “It’s hard to say no. This creates a tension for kids,” he notes.

Research shows a consistent link between loneliness, poor mental health, and a low sense of purpose or meaning in life, says Batanova. “Over 50% of young adults report lacking meaning or purpose and almost 40% of teens say they lack purpose or meaning.”

Making sure that children are having meaningful interactions with yourself and other people can help cultivate more of this sense of meaning in their lives. “Adolescence in general is a pretty dramatic period of time where there’s lots of drama, there’s changes in relationships and friendships, and so they often will need our support. We will have to help them find things, activities, and places to be where they can connect with other people, whether adults or other peers, and do things they enjoy doing, things that give them purpose and a sense of meaning,” says Watkins.

It can be tempting for a lonely adolescent to turn to an AI social companion for interaction and comfort, but many experts warn against using these AI tools as a replacement for real human friendship. AI companions will often only provide positive feedback and will not criticize or challenge users, notes Batanova. Being challenged and having the “messiness” of real human interactions is important for social-emotional functioning and development, she says. “We need that as people.”

There are currently no guardrails or regulations for social AI tools in regard to children’s safety, and there’s evidence that both adults and children can’t tell the difference between human-mimicking AI tools and real humans, says Hall. “I would not advocate in any way, shape or form this particular medium for solving loneliness or necessarily being a safe product yet.”

Families lacking quality time together has been found to be a significant reason for loneliness, says Batanova. “It’s so important to carve out that time.” Creating and maintaining your own secure attachment with your child will help carry them through times of peer social disconnection or loneliness, agrees Watkins.  “They get their idea of who they are, how they should attach, and how they should see other people first with us.”

“40% of teens said they want their parents to reach out more, to ask how they’re really doing, and to really listen,” says Batanova. “Parents’ perceptions can sometimes be way off about how their teens are really feeling or what they’re thinking. And so there needs to be more alignment or understanding there in terms of what parents perceive their kids are actually thinking or feeling.”

A strong support system acts as a buffer during tough times, and simply knowing that we have others that we can talk to can help reduce anxiety and promote emotional resilience, says Holt-Lunstad.

Building good relationships with friends and family is one of the most valuable, sustaining, nourishing, and meaningful things a person of any age can do with their time, says Hall. For young adults and adolescents, forming close relationships are particularly important. 

Encourage kids to enjoy time in groups, whether it’s groups at school, the community, or online, suggests Watkins.  Being part of a group where people have similar views, thoughts, and values, or are working towards similar goals, can enhance the sense of connection. “Younger kids benefit from play-based group activities, while teens respond well to peer mentoring with relatable role models,” says Batanova. 

Tailor the level of your involvement or intervention in setting up these social opportunities to the age and development of your child, says Watkins. For younger children, this may take the form of you as the parent connecting with other parents and selecting a place and space to allow time for kids to socialize with one another. For middle school-aged children, there will likely be more collaboration about who they want to hang out with and what they want to do, she notes. For teens and college-age kids, it should take the form of suggestions such as “I haven’t seen you hang out with so-and-so in a while, what do you think of getting together with them?” suggests Watkins. “It gradually goes from you doing it all to you helping, and then to you making recommendations and suggestions.”

While older children may generally need and want less management of their social time, if they are significantly struggling with loneliness, they may need adult help to foster and facilitate connections, says Watkins. “We can’t just throw our hands up and say ‘They’re old enough, they should be able to do it,” she cautions. That can take the form of a strong suggestion, scheduling time with their friends yourself, or doing the socializing together with them, she says.

As children get older and have their own schedules, it’s important to plan time as a family where you can pull them out of their rooms and socialize together without technology, says Watkins. “Create time where there’s tech-free time and space.” This could be setting hours for no-phone use, or times/spaces like mealtimes where the focus is on communication and engagement with each other, she suggests.

Children and adolescents take social cues from adults in their lives.  Modeling healthy social connection in your own life, and showing that you spend time and energy on your own social health, will help kids pick up on the importance of doing so in their own lives, says Batanova.

“We are the models for our kids in building social relationships,” says Watkins. “We need to model how to be respectful, how to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner, how to communicate effectively, how to set healthy boundaries, and how to maintain those boundaries. It’s also important to not talk about people behind their back. Be mindful of what you’re saying and how you’re describing people.”

Demonstrating your own awareness and critical thinking about your own media use helps as well, says Hall. “Explain your own practices and why. Explain why you were compelled by your TikTok Reel. Explain why it’s so hard to disconnect from email. Recognizing the things that you are connected to in your own media practices and explaining those to your kids helps them understand that you too are going through the process of figuring out how to manage your media use.”

Research consistently shows that scrolling through a phone while in the presence of others not only affects the quality of the relationship with the person or people in your presence, says David, but it can also contribute to loneliness and social disconnection in the other person. “When you’re distracted by your phone and paying more attention to it than the people around you, you’re signaling to those around you that they are not as important to you as whatever is on your phone.”

Spending more time on short-form video platforms makes people more likely to engage in this “phubbing” (phone snubbing) behavior, notes David. ”When you’re using your phone and scrolling social media, you’re displacing time that could otherwise be spent on more meaningful interactions. Parents and children should all make an effort to be conscious of their smartphone use while in the presence of others, as even momentary distractions by our phones can be harmful to face-to-face interactions and can undermine the more meaningful close interpersonal relationships on which our psychological well-being depends.”

Work with your kids to become more aware of how they’re feeling when they’re engaged in online and offline social interactions, so that they can eventually be able to do it without your help, says Watkins.  “We want to be able to help them to identify and label their own feelings and emotions. This will then provide clarity for them so that they can make choices and decisions about whether they want to continue” with the behavior if it’s contributing to feelings of sadness or loneliness. This evaluation and awareness can range from specific uses of media, to decisions about continuing to be friends with specific people in real life.

Questions you can ask to help your child develop this awareness include: 

• • How did that message, image, video make you feel?
  • When [specific person] did such and such, how did you feel about that?

(Watkins)

Some children who feel extra shy or awkward initiating social interactions can benefit from some role playing to increase confidence, suggests Watkins. “It can be helpful to role play with them. Maybe they just need a couple of scripts to get them through so that they have some rehearsed responses until they feel comfortable.”

Children who are marginalized, or do not get what they need from the environment they are growing up in, may be able to  find “their people” more easily online, note many experts. Being able to find validating relationships with people with similar interests and values can be one of the primary benefits of social media, particularly for these youth, says Watkins.